One less lonely girl.

Today I was in the bus 8251 heading home from kangnam, and inevitably stuck in Seoul rush hour traffic. I was supposed to be at my first physical training session by 9pm. I was still an hour away at 8:15. Missing a single session without prior notice is an automatic cancellation of that class. 40$ wasted. I could make it late and receive training only if the person scheduled after me is late.

So it's dark outside, I'm in this bus full of people. There's a woman sitting next to me and I can't help but feel the teardrops on my cheeks. Over missing one gym session? I was upset that this is my first impression on my trainer and that she might possibly think that I was an unreliable flaky trainee. But I believe there was more to my tears.

Usually when I react like this to something that seems insignificantly small and trivial, I think about why. Something else is bothering me. Actually, many things are bothering me.

I have very high expectations of myself. I'm running a school, expected to bring up Korean students' english levels up to par with their peers in America. I'm a cellgroup leader expected to spiritually nourish and care 9 girls and multiply in due time. I also do some faith material translating on the side for my parents' publishing company. I know I'm called to each role at this moment in time. There are obvious goals set for each of those roles and achieving them requires me to use every moment of my life wisely. I realize that all that free time I had wasted during my student years were very valuable times indeed, which I lack so much of now. All these roles require every ounce of my being and honestly, I'm not where I want to be in any of them.

I want to change so many things in my life.
I hate feeling like I have no control over it.
I hate that the same new year's resolutions keep repeating over and over again
and that my words are losing substance.

"You've been saying that for 6 years!"
how horrible. how awful.
to lose substance in what I say.

But the truth is I CAN do something about it to cause change.
The results are just not as immediate as I'd like them to be.

As I'm feeling pathetic, crying in the bus full of strangers (not sure if anyone noticed), I could hear God answering me in his non-vocal way that only He can speak to me.

"Just one at a time. One at a time, my dear."

No need to do it all at once.
and no need to do it all by yourself.
one step at a time.
baby steps.
in the right direction, with my hand in my father's.

In the bus full of strangers,
in the rush hour seoul traffic,
in golden foggy lights of the dark streets reflected on the bus windows,
as He gave me the comfort that only He can give me right when I needed it most,
I realized
there's one less lonely girl in the world.




He is the God of all comfort.
My comfort.
The very comfort that I need.